Being stuck, according to Gili, is the gap between where you are now and where you want to get to. Even without knowing exactly what you want, that gap alone creates the feeling, because when there’s satisfaction and fullness you don’t feel stuck. Both avoidance and perfectionism, “if it isn’t perfect I’m not doing it,” are the energy of stopping.
Nobody stops us except ourselves. Usually there’s a part of the subconscious that gains something from the way things are, and above all there’s a deep fear of change. It’s easier to blame something outside and stay in the victim role than to move. The first change we ever went through was as babies, in a passive state where the change was forced on us, so it got burned in as a memory of fear, even when it was for the good. Ever since, the subconscious links change with fear and would rather stay with the familiar, and most of us move only once the situation becomes unbearable.
First you look at where you are without judging it and without hunting for anyone to blame. Then you define where you want to be, and then you picture in detail what life will look like and feel like there, because the brain can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality. Focusing on problems makes them bigger, because energy flows toward whatever you focus on. Change needs thought and emotion in sync: a clear intention together with a positive feeling toward it. And Gili says to move even without strength and even without a defined goal, because standing still is itself the problem, like water that goes stagnant when it stands still.
Before any strategy you have to understand which story is stuck at the base. A story is a belief we repeated until it became the glue that holds all the other beliefs together, and once you change it the strategy arrives on its own. The strongest force in human identity is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves, and anyone who defines themselves as a “failure” will go on acting that way. Complexity is the enemy of execution, and to move you first have to simplify.
The test is simple. Is there progress? You’re on track. No progress? You’re not. Beyond an action plan, Gili talks about small daily habits, about changing your inner language so that fears don’t turn into an identity, and about acting even without full certainty. At every moment we’re choosing without noticing: focus on what we have or on what’s missing, on what’s within our control or outside it, on the past, the present or the future. Nobody changes until they change their energy.
You know exactly what isn't working in your life, and you stay in the same place anyway, another day, another month, another year. The way Gili sees it, being stuck is the gap between where you are and where you want to get to, and even without knowing exactly what you want, that gap on its own is what creates the heavy feeling. In most cases there's a part of us that actually gains something from being stuck, along with a deep fear of change that makes us prefer blaming outside forces to moving ourselves. The simplest question, and for that reason the most embarrassing one: what would you do tomorrow morning if nothing at all were holding you back?
Questions this episode answers
What is being stuck?
Why do I stay stuck even when I really want to change?
What keeps me from actually moving even though I know exactly what needs doing, and how do I break out of being stuck?
Why everything has to fall apart before you finally move
You probably know this one. You know exactly what needs to change, and you stay right where you are anyway until the situation becomes unbearable. According to Gili, the reason has nothing to do with laziness or with not wanting it. It has to do with our first memory of change, from infancy, when change was forced on us and we had no control at all. Ever since then the subconscious links every change to fear, even a change that is good for us, and would rather stay with the familiar. And when the midlife crisis at 40 arrives (it can come earlier or later too), that's exactly the moment when your basic needs are already met and the existential questions start coming up.
Questions this episode answers
Why is it so hard for me to change something, even when I want the change?
What is this "midlife crisis at 40" that everyone talks about?
What has to happen for something in my life to finally move, without everything having to fall apart first?
You know something has to change, and you aren't moving. Not because you don't have the strength, but because something inside you is afraid. Gili says nobody changes until they change what's going on inside. As long as your surroundings are running your thoughts, nothing really moves. And even when a door closes and it looks like the end, another door is waiting behind it.
Questions this episode answers
How do you even start moving when you simply have no strength and you feel completely stuck?
Why is picturing something supposed to help me actually bring it about in real life?
Why am I waiting to feel strong before I move? Do I have to know exactly where I'm going in order to move at all?
How to tell whether you're actually moving forward, or only feel like it
You're supposed to be somewhere else by now, and you're not sure you're even on the way there. That isn't a glitch in the system. The way Gili sees it, that gap between where you are and where you want to be is exactly what's meant to push you forward. The test she offers is simple: if there's progress, you're on track. If there isn't, you're not, and maybe it's time to give yourself an honest score in the main areas of your life and see where things are actually stuck.
Questions this episode answers
How do I know whether I'm even headed in the right direction toward my goals?
What actually helps me close the gap and move forward, beyond the planning and the doing itself?
You try one method after another and still find yourself in the same place. According to Gili Man Wolner, that happens because people start with strategy without first changing the story that holds their whole life together, a set of beliefs you repeated so often that they became the glue holding together everything else you believe. Those beliefs run your emotions, and the identity you built for yourself is the strongest force there is. It's the thing that decides whether you'll move forward or stay where you are. Which is why real change happens when you act in exactly the place where you're certain it isn't possible.
Questions this episode answers
Why should I stop and change the story I tell myself before I even start thinking about how to carry it out?
Why is identity the strongest thing there is about us?
Why can't you be a hero without facing difficulty?
You don't control what happens to you, only what happens afterward
Somebody else makes you angry, hurts you, or just sets you off, and it's easy to stay right there with the feeling that the problem is theirs. Gili has a different angle: every moment like that, from the smallest flash of irritation to real anger, is a mirror reflecting back what's sitting inside you, and you don't have to open up your whole psychological history to fix it. The way she sees it, you have no control over what happens or over your first instinctive reaction, but you have complete choice over what happens inside you afterward, and that's exactly where the game begins.
Questions this episode answers
Indifference: is it a blessing or a curse?
How do I know whether I'm really close to a person, or whether I'm just imagining it?