According to Gili, the problem isn’t the anger. It’s the shame about it. Anger gets treated as a problem mainly out of a fear that expressing it will create distance, and in spiritual circles that expect “good energies” all the time it has no legitimacy, so people suppress it. But healthy anger, once you express it, brings people closer and creates intimacy. The difference between anger and aggression: healthy anger is a tool for setting a boundary while holding on to your self-respect, and the focus stays on you. Aggression and rage come out of anger that never got expressed, and there the focus shifts to the other person, to making them smaller or hurting them.
Resentment is anger that never got expressed and dropped another level down, and she says it’s one of the most destructive emotions there is. Gili says her own inflammation markers went down when she started forgiving. People who please all the time are angry all the time. The anger just stays down in the gut. The stronger the people-pleasing part is, the bigger the anger underneath it, and it can come out as self-criticism, as guilt and as health problems.
Anger is almost always born out of a sense of injustice, the feeling that somebody took something from you and it has to be given back. You can be completely in the right and still stay stuck. The healer Gili was working with told her to let it go completely and not fight over who was right: just release it and stop fighting. And when justice and unity collide, she chooses unity.
Forgiveness, the way Gili defines it, is an inner process meant to release anger, guilt and the feeling of being a victim. It’s a gift to yourself, not a gesture toward somebody else. It doesn’t justify the behavior and it doesn’t require contact: you can forgive and still choose never to see that person again. There’s no need for the person who hurt you to ask for forgiveness or to acknowledge the pain. You don’t need their permission to know how much it hurt. Forgiveness can’t be forced, and there’s no point pretending you’ve forgiven while it still hurts inside. It arrives as a by-product of real healing, and every time the hurt comes back to mind, that isn’t a failure. It’s another chance to forgive again. Forgiveness doesn’t change the person who hurt you. It changes you.
The hardest person to forgive, she says, isn’t the one who hurt you. It’s yourself. Forgiving other people runs through forgiving yourself. According to Judaism, someone who asks for forgiveness three times and means it and takes responsibility for what they did receives pardon, even if the other side refuses to accept it.
Afraid that if you get angry people will pull away from you
You get angry, and then you get angry at yourself for being angry. Gili and Tal know that one from the inside. This week they both admit that they have moments they're less than proud of. Gili got to live it herself, right in the middle of putting together a workshop on releasing anger. The real problem is the shame about the anger, not the anger itself, and when you express it the right way it actually brings people closer instead of pushing them away.
Questions this episode answers
If I get angry, will people pull away from me?
I'm afraid that if I get angry people will pull away from me. How do I know whether I'm simply angry for good reason or whether I'm being aggressive?
What's the connection between anger, resentment and illness?
The hardest person to forgive isn't the one who hurt you, it's yourself
You're carrying anger at someone who hurt you, and it feels as though forgiving them would mean signing off on what they did. Gili says that's exactly the mistake. Forgiveness is an inner process meant to free you from anger, from guilt and from feeling like a victim. It isn't for the other person. The hardest one, she says, is forgiving yourself. And without that, your subconscious will keep wrecking things.
Questions this episode answers
If someone hurt me and I forgave them, do I have to go back to being in touch with them as though nothing happened?
Why is forgiving myself the hardest thing of all, harder than forgiving the person who hurt me?
What does Judaism say about someone who asks for forgiveness again and again and doesn't get it?
Waiting for him to say sorry? That isn't going to happen
There's someone you're still angry at, even if years have gone by. Maybe you've even said out loud that you forgave him, but inside, something is still bleeding. Gili says that isn't really forgiveness, it's only a performance, and that as long as you're waiting for him to apologize or to understand how much he hurt you, you stay stuck. Forgiveness isn't for him at all. It's for you.
Questions this episode answers
Why do I have to forgive someone who never even apologized?
I'm waiting for him to say sorry and it isn't happening. Why don't I just forget and forgive as though nothing had happened?
I'm waiting for him to say sorry, but it probably isn't going to happen. Do we have to force ourselves to forgive in order to be grown up and mature?
Someone hurt you, and you're a hundred percent sure you're in the right. So why doesn't that help you feel free? The anger stays stuck, and sometimes it doesn't stay only in your head. Gili says it finds a way into the body too. When justice and unity collide, unity is the choice that's worth more.
Questions this episode answers
What is the connection between anger and justice?
What did the healer tell Gili to do with her anger, even when she was right?
How did the ongoing anger affect Gili's physical health?
Why you took care of everyone and you're the one left holding the anger
You say yes when what you want is to scream no, and you call it kindness. Gili calls it by its real name: fear. Fear of losing people, which she says is what ends up making you lose yourself. And the anger that never comes out doesn't disappear. It turns into self-criticism, into guilt, and sometimes into illness.
Questions this episode answers
What's the difference between being good with people and constantly trying to get them to like me?
Why am I always the one taking care of everybody, and why do I end up alone with all the anger?
Who ends up angrier, the pleaser, or the person who dares to say what they think to their face?
You go into a relationship hoping the other person will change, and that fails almost without exception. Gili argues that first you have to accept the person in front of you as they are, and that whatever bothers you about them is something to repair in yourself. The same principle holds for us as a people: as long as we go on fighting each other, an outside enemy does not have to do a thing. All it has to do is let us kill each other. The solution she offers is forgiving yourself, not as a gift to somebody else, and in her case it even lowered the inflammation in her body.
Questions this episode answers
What is forgiveness, and who am I supposed to forgive anyway?
Why does everyone talk about how we need unity when it never actually happens?
How do anger and resentment actually affect our health?